Letters to Merlin
by BecsX
Summary: Merlin finds a letter addressed to him, a letter than Arthur never intended him to find. Merlin/Arthur fluff. Lots of sickly sweet fluff.
1. Letters to Merlin

**Title: **Letters to Merlin

**Rating**: K

**Warnings/Spoilers: **none

**Genre**: Romance

**Word Count:** 1,204

**Summary**: Merlin finds a letter addressed to him, a letter than Arthur never intended him to find. Pre-slash fluff. Lots of sickly sweet fluff.

**Disclaimer**: Alright! Fine! I own nothing more than Merlin season 1 on DVD. I just like playing with my favourite two boys! Woop!'

**A/N**: Yet another random slice of fluffy fluff. I should really stop with these... lol. I also want to thank each and every one of you who have reviewed my other Merlin stories, 'Sleeping Remedy and 'Intoxicated Truths'. The response for both have been astounding! Thank you! Thank you a million times! :)

***

Merlin let himself into Arthur's room and immediately set to gathering Arthur's cast aside clothing that was strewn right across the room. Bending down to retrieve one of Arthur's tunics from dangerously close to the fire, something caught his eye. A parchment, screwed up and slightly singed from its extremely close call with the flames.

Merlin tossed the tunic in his hands in the general direction of the laundry basket he had brought into the room with him and grabbed the parchment. Just as he was about to toss it into the flames as he was sure his Prince had intended, he saw his name staring up at him in Arthur's neat but clearly hasty writing.

Frowning, Merlin straightened up and unscrewed the parchment only to be met with a full letter, addressed to him.

_Merlin, _

_This, I hope, you never find. I cannot imagine my humiliation at your inevitable rejection were you to know of my innermost thoughts and so I fully intend to burn this note as soon as I am finished. _

Merlin looked up from the letter and glanced around the room. He felt almost guilty for reading something that Arthur obviously intended to keep secret but, he reasoned, this was actually addressed for him if not entirely intended for him. Taking a deep breath Merlin continued to read.

_It seems that my_ _Father has instilled an inability in my personality to express my feelings for those that are close to me and I fear that this may extend to you. I dearly hope that you are aware of how much I care for you, despite my inability to tell you as I should. I promise you that I have tried, but words of affection continue to fail me in your presence. Even now, I am finding it difficult to write these words in spite of the fact that I know this will never find you. But Merlin, I do love you. _

Merlin's heart stuttered. His gasp sounded loud and ragged even to his own ears. Suddenly feeling as though he was intruding, Merlin swallowed hard and intended to screw up the note in his hands but could not bring himself to destroy it. Instead, he folded the note carefully and tucked it inside his tunic. He would decide what to do later. For now, he desperately needed to clean his master's chambers.

***

Hours later, Merlin had been dismissed by Arthur for the night and was finally allowed to retire to the antechamber next door to Arthur's room as he had recently taken to doing as Arthur had begun to shout for him during the night. His mind skipped back to the note; I do love you.

Staring at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity, Merlin's mind skittered over the words he remembered from the note. There was more to the note; he had stopped reading not even half way through. Perhaps Arthur explained that his love for him, Merlins heart sped up involuntarily, was purely platonic. Decision made, Merlin dived towards his discarded tunic and dug around in search of the note. Pulling it out victoriously, Merlin lit the candle next to his bed and flattened the note out against his stomach before raising it into his eyeline.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, he read.

_I do love you. More than I can express. More than, I think, anyone can express if I am honest and, in light of the fact that this is merely an outlet for my thoughts, I feel that I must be for the sake of my sanity. _

Merlin could practically hear Arthurs frustrated sigh, and grinned.

_Each time I attempt to tell you of my feelings, I lose my grip on what remains of my sanity and the words 'I love you' somehow morph into some sort of insult to your intelligence. Each time I try to show you how I feel I feel the inexplicable need to cover it with a jibe about your clumsiness or your inherent inability to resemble even the slowest of manservants. I hope you know that I do not mean my comments to sound so cutting. I hope you know that it is my way of holding you close to me. _

_I wait, with a fierce trepidation, for the day that you finally grow tired of me, tired of my stunted emotional maturity, a maturity needed to show you the love you deserve, the love that I feel but am unable to show. It is silly, I am sure, but I have nightmares about waking to find you gone or, worse, in the arms of another. _

_I am afraid I am rather selfish in this instance; I know you deserve better than I can give you, but I am unable to let you go. I need you. I fear that I am not be enough to keep you happy and by my side. I try everyday to grow into the person you wish me to be, the person I wish me to be but it is hard to break the habit of a lifetime in order to truly think of others. _

_I admit it is getting easier as time goes on; each time I am about to regress, or, in the rarer case of automatic reactions, do regress, I feel your eyes burning into me. An image of you, angry and disappointed, jumps into my mind and I stop myself. If I have already committed the act, I apologise immediately and berate myself on your behalf if you are unable to do so. _

_You know, of course, that I am not perfect. I am far from it in fact, far from the person I need to be to become a good, fair King. I hope that when the time comes, you will go forward with me to my throne. Not as my servant but as my advisor. I feel that you hold secrets from me Merlin. _

Merlin's heart practically stopped. He couldnt possibly know! 'No, of course he doesnt, I still have a head.' Merlin reasoned with himself.

_Secrets that I may never know.__ I know you well, but at the same time I do not know you at all. It despairs me that I know this as the truth. I hope that one day you can tell me of your secrets, but I swear I will not push you to find out._

_I must stop this now. I have been summoned to meet with my Father. Know this Merlin, no matter your secret, no matter how terrible, I love you. Nothing can ever change that. _

_Yours Forever, _

_Arthur_

Merlin smiled broadly. His Prince loved him, actually loved him. A swell of love burst from his chest seeping into every cell of his body.

"Merlin!" Arthur called from his chamber "Merlin get in here you idiot." Grinning broadly Merlin rolled out of his bed and walked into his masters chamber.

"Yes sire?" he asked pleasantly

"It's freezing in here! I need you to stoke the fire." Merlin did so without question "How is it in there? It must be cold." Merlin shrugged "You better stay in here. I cant afford you to be even more useless frozen stiff."

Merlin smiled serenely "Yes sire."

***

Please remember to review :)

Thanks for reading.


	2. Letters to Arthur

**Title**: Letters to Arthur

**Rating**: K

**Warnings/Spoilers**: none  
**Word Count**: 1,204  
**Summary**: Arthur finds a letter addressed to him, from Merlin. Part 2 of Letters to Merlin. Fluff. Lots of sickly sweet fluff.  
**Disclaimer**: I own nothing other than season 1 on and (as of tomorrow) season 2, volume 1 on DVD! I am getting jack diddly for writing this, other than awesomely good fun!

**A/N**: Well! I gave into peer pressure and this is part 2 of Letters to Merlin. Letters to Arthur. Thanks to everyone that reviewed Letters to Merlin! I love you ALL!

**A/N2**: Okay, seems I'm an idiot and uploaded this chapter before altering it after buggered up my formatting, so this is a resubmitting of it... with the right formatting (including speech marks because reading things without speech marks annoys me more than anything in the world! I'm embarrassed I let one of my stories out without checking these things! *hides in shame*) Anyways, I hope you forgive my annoying lack of foresight... hope this is better!

***

Arthur strolled into his chambers, throwing his jacket in the general direction of his chair. It had been a long, tough day and he wanted nothing more than to lie down and _rest_.

Throwing himself facedown onto his large bed he closed his eyes with a contented sigh. His jacket jumped into his mind, forcing one of his eyes open and towards his discarded jacket lying haphazardly on the floor. He stared at it for a second before he groaned and rolled off his bed before he picked his jacket up and put it carefully into his cupboard.

He rested his forehead against the smooth wood and exhaled heavily. His life had changed beyond recognition over the months that his feelings Merlin had slammed rather forcefully into his consciousness. He had come far too close to losing his friend that night. The arrow wasnt even intended for the oaf but of course Merlin had jumped right in front of Arthur, sacrificing himself for him _again_. And now, Arthur was cleaning up after himself to save Merlin work. Love was a strange thing.

Pushing himself away from the cupboard a small perfectly folded square piece of paper on his table caught his eye. Curious, Arthur sauntered over and picked the small note up; his name stared at him followed by what could only be described as a representation of a smiling face.

Opening the note up, he began to read;

_Arthur, _

_I have a confession to make I found your letter. _

Arthur's heart leapt into his mouth. Oh by the Gods he hoped he didnt mean that letter!

_The one addressed to me. The one you wanted to burn, turns out you didnt quite reach the fire. _

Oh. No.

_I assume you were in a rush; you dont usually miss anything! I wondered if you actually wanted me to find it, but since you had to go and meet your Father I suppose you were slightly distracted. Not that that usually bothers you that much but you know, Im talking, or rather writing about nothing again. _

_Funny how Im nervous even on paper! _

_Anyway! I think I might start writing about random things in this but I swear I'm trying to get to the point. _

_Okay, I don't know how else to get into this properly so please excuse my bluntness and utter lack of your way with words but. Well I hope you meant what you said in your letter because I kind of feel the same way. _

Arthur's eyes widened as his mouth dropped open. Merlin felt the _same_?

_I'll admit I was a bit shocked when I read it the first time... and the other eight hundred times, but that was only because I never thought you could ever love me_. _Me! I'm smiling like an idiot even when writing this! Every time I think about you feeling that way about me, I smile. Have you noticed my random bouts of insane smiling? _

Arthur had. He smiled himself at the thought. Merlin hadnt stopped smiling for three weeks.

_That's for you Arthur. Every smile, every laugh, every breath is for you. I hope you don't think I'm being horribly girly about this. I sort of feel that I am. Giggling like a little girl every time I slip into one of my fantasies, sorry,_ _moments. _

_I've been arguing with myself over whether or not I should tell you that I know. I mean, it was relatively clear that you didn't really want me to know but I'm pretty much pinning my hopes on the fact that you didn't want me know because you didn't think I felt the same (you prat! Of course I feel the same!). If it's for another reason I guess Im a little bit buggered, but I think it would be better for you to know than not know. I want to know where I stand, I suppose. _

_If you don't want this to go anywhere, that's fine. I promise I won't bring this up unless you do. It's entirely up to you. _

_But before you screw this up and throw it into the fire (more carefully this time!) I want to say, or write, one thing first. _

_I love you. Despite all of your prattish, or rather, previously prattish ways, I love you. I love the man you are, I love the man you want to be and I love the man you will be._

_I love the way you care so much for your people, I love the way you put everyone else's needs before your own (even if you don't admit that you do!) I love the way you would do anything to make your people's lives better. I love you more than you can imagine. _

_There. I said it. It's all in your hands now Arthur. _

_I hope you mention this. I'm probably sitting in my room nervous as anything right at this moment. Please, no matter your decision, please come to put me out of the misery of not knowing. If you want to do something about this, tell me. If you don't, order me to do something. I just want to know for sure. _

_It's been killing me! _

_If this is the last time you will allow me, I love you. I love you. _

_Yours forever, _

_Merlin _

_P.S. I promise I will tell you my secret one day. But please keep in mind you swore not to push me. _

Arthur looked up from the note, waited a beat and bolted out of the door.

Minutes later he crashed through the door to Gaius and Merlins chamber's, startling Gaius so much he dropped the glass tube in his hand.

"Prince Arthur! Whatever is the matter?" Gaius asked immediately.

"Where's Merlin?" he asked, pre empting Gaius answer in heading towards the steps leading to Merlin's room.

"His room." Gaius answered rather redundantly.

Arthur opened Merlin's door quietly, his eyes falling on an extremely nervous Merlin staring at a single spot on the floor. "Merlin." It took an age for Merlin to lift his eyes to Arthurs.

"Yes Sire?"

"You are an _idiot"_. Merlins face fell immediately.

"Right." He replied sullenly. "Of course."

"How could I not want to do something about this?" It was almost comical how fast Merlins mood turned around, his expression brightening, an enormous grin spreading across his features drawing Arthur's own lips into an answering grin.

"You do?"

"Of course I do! I love you."

Merlin's eyes went glossy "You really _are_ being a girl about this" Arthur said even whilst pulling Merlin into his loose embrace.

"I honestly can't help it."

Arthur nodded before he leant forward and pressed his lips to Merlin's in a kiss so sweet it was almost chaste.

"I love you." he whispered when the broke apart

Merlin's reply of "I love you too" ensured his jackets would be very carefully placed in his cupboard from now on.

***

A/N: Please review! This is for everyone who requested a second chapter :)

~Becs


	3. Secrets Revealed

**Title:** Letters to Merlin (Chapter 3)  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** none  
**Word Count:** 1,581  
**Summary:** Merlin find's a letter addressed to him, a letter than Arthur never intended him to find.  
**A/N:** Third chapter to my Letters to Merlin fic posted a while ago... I thought about this letter when I was at work and thought I should write it down so here it is... hope you enjoy!  
**Disclaimer:** I own nothing more than DVDs and posters. Well, crap.

* * *

Merlin walked into Gaius' rooms slowly. He did everything slowly recently; no reason to rush around anymore after all. It's not as though Arthur would need him. Or want him. Dragging himself up the steps into his room, he collapsed face down onto his bed and groaned at how uncomfortable it was to him now he had become used to real luxury. He had been spoiled over this past year.

He sighed and rolled onto his side trying to rediscover how he used to avoid the particularly unforgiving slat a third of the way down the bed when he saw it.

A simple piece of paper propped against the candle beside his bed, his name scrawled across it in achingly familiar handwriting. A memory crashed into him and before he quite knew what he was doing, he had reached across the small distance and broken the wax seal holding the letter (for that was surely what it was) closed.

What he saw stole his breath.

_Dearest Merlin, _

_It has been a week. I am trying my level best to avoid people's curious gazes at not seeing you being your insolent self talking my ear off. The questions are starting to make me crazy and I am about three questions away from challenging the next person to ask if I've "finally come to my senses". I think I'm more short tempered now than I have ever been (I'm sure you've heard) and I know exactly why. You do, too I suspect. _

_I miss you Merlin. I miss you so very much. _

_I realise that I reacted very badly to your confession and that I said things and did things that cannot be forgiven easily, or at all. Please know that I didn't mean anything I said. I know that my feelings are my own, I know that. I truly do. I knew that even when I was shouting accusations. I am truly sorry for that. _

_This past week has been hell without you Merlin. I've seen you around the castle. You have been walking slower than usual. The only thing you do quickly is avoid me. You think you're subtle when you dodge behind statues and into alcoves but I've told you a thousand times that I can_ feel _you close. I wonder if that's part of the destiny you've been raving about. Is this destiny the reason that you've stayed with me for so long? I worry that it's all that's keeping you by my side sometimes. Now more than ever. _

_Gods, Merlin the things I said to you. The things I accused you of. I know none of them are true. I know that all you've ever done is protect me. I knew that even before you told me of your... talent. Though, I will confess that knowing makes a lot of things make a lot more sense. Looking back I'm ashamed that I didn't notice. I blame you for that. You distract me far too easily. They do say that being in love makes a man blind._

Merlin paused, blinking away the tears blurring his vision. This was too much. He could feel his heard being drawn back together. The hope almost hurt. He breathed deeply and continued reading.

_That's not to say that I am not angry that you lied to me for so long nor that I am not hurt that you didn't trust me but I didn't mean any of those awful things. _

_Why didn't you trust me Merlin? Did you doubt my feelings for you? I know I'm not the most articulate man in Albion when it comes to expressing my feelings but surely you know that I would do anything for you? Surely you know I love you more and more with each passing day? I suspect I love you a lot more than you love me right now and I understand why. I hope that you still love me a little. Anything to hold on to will suffice. _

_I also hope that you will read this and that you will allow me the chance to apologise properly. Every time I come to your rooms you seem to vanish, which is why I'm writing this down. Letters have worked well for us in the past so I'm hoping that the same will work now. _

_I hope that you will read this. I hope that you will allow me to find you or that you will come to me. I hope that you will let me speak. We surely have much to discuss. I promise not to throw accusations at you. I just want to know Merlin. I want to know why you didn't feel that you could trust me. Did you really think I would hand you into my Father? You've told me a hundred times that you trust me with your life- were you lying each time? If so I worry what else you were lying about. _

_Please, Merlin. Please come back to me. The robes I commissioned for you arrived this morning. They look like the tailor did a good job but we must test the fit. The fabric is as good a quality as he had insisted it was and they are not as ostentatious as I told you they were or half as gaudy as you feared though I ought not to listen; you're my consort, ostentatious should be what you want. I understand now why you like to blend in though; it must be very difficult to cast with the whole court staring at you. I stare at you regardless of what you're wearing. It's very difficult to tear my eyes from you._

_No matter, they'll be waiting for you in our chambers. _

_Another place that feels empty. I will say this only once; I miss your clutter. I complain constantly but truth be told I like seeing evidence that we are not some elaborate dream. And when I see your shirt thrown over the back of my chair or one of your kerchiefs about to escape beneath the bed I know in my heart that we are more than sex. That we are it. That we will always be_ it.

_I told you in my last letter more than a year ago (a year. Time surely flies) that whatever your secret was, I would not love you any less. That remains true. I love you, as I always have and as I always will. _

_We have a lot to talk about, Merlin. I understand if you don't want to continue with us. I won't like it and I will fight tooth and nail for you but I will understand your reasoning. All I ask for now is the chance to talk. Perhaps we can be friends again if you don't want anything more than that. _

_I do. I want us to be us again. I actually find it incredibly difficult to sleep without you kicking me in the shins every time you move. When I do sleep I wake up and expect to see you next to me. I cannot explain how painful it is to wake to an empty bed after sharing it for so long. _

_I need you Merlin. _

_Please come to me. Or if you don't want to come to me now wait for me in your rooms in the morning. I will come to you. Please. Please put me out of my misery one way or the other._

_I remain yours now and forever, whatever you decide. _

_I love you. _

_Arthur._

Merlin stared at the letter for a moment. Read a few lines again and stared at how Arthur had signed off hardly able to believe it. Arthur was right; he certainly found it difficult to express himself vocally but Merlin knew that he was loved a hundred other ways; an extra helping of his favourite pastry, tender kisses expecting nothing more than that, flowers left on his side of the bed.

He waited a heartbeat longer then bolted out of his bed so quickly his head swam. Stumbling down the steps he ran headlong past a startled looking Gaius and down the steps of the tower into the courtyard.

Running through the corridors of Camelot was harder than one would imagine when people stopped to stare at you. Dodging gawping servants and knights, Merlin eventually made it to Arthur's chambers and barrelled in not even bothering to knock- as if he ever did.

Arthur was standing next to his fireplace and turned immediately upon Merlin's entrance. Merlin didn't slow down. He ran right at Arthur and into his arms pressing kisses to every piece of skin that he could reach before claiming Arthur's gaping mouth.

After what felt like hours, Merlin pulled back gasping for the air he so desperately needed, his forehead resting against Arthur's. "I love you" he whispered once his breathing had returned to a manageable level. "I should have told you sooner."

"No" Arthur replied just as shakily "Listen to me Merlin. I reacted badly. Very badly. If you'd told me any sooner I fear what I might have done."

Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin's shoulders, tugging him to him and holding him close. He buried his face in the crook of Merlin's neck, nuzzling him there for a moment and breathing him in.

"I'm sorry" he whispered "I missed you so much."

"I'm sorry too." a second longer "Now where are these damned robes?"


End file.
